emotions

Another Day

I’ve been on stimulants since I was eight years old. I’m 20 now. I think it plays a big role in why I’m always angry and upset and am hateful to people. I don’t mean to be that way. I wish I was still nice. 

My mom told me I needed counseling today. My reaction was nothing short of angry. I said things I didn’t mean. I never meant to blame her. I blame the chemicals that have been put into my body over the past 12 years. 

I feel like I’m a failure in life and can’t do anything right. I’m 20, can’t afford the car I have, I can’t afford a place to live, I have no job. All I have is my family. I’m going to college and people say it’s okay to still live with your family when you’re in college. I don’t. I think I’m a pathetic use of a person sometimes. I know I’m not, but you can always have that feeling. 

I told my mother tonight how I feel when I get very very depressed. She told me to move away. That’s not what I meant. I told her there’s nothing here in this world and I wanted to end it all. She said nothing but “move away,” or “i don’t know what to tell you.” 

No, I am not suicidal. I do not do self harm. I am a person who used to be very outgoing and bubbly in high school. When I left, it all changed. I turned into a bitter person thinking that nothing was good enough. All of my friends are already married or have children. I have no one anymore. The people I thought were my real friends were just fake. 

I think I mainly do these blogs because it makes me feel good to get things off of my chest. I like to think that I am not the only person in the universe going through these issues. Just know, people are assholes. People change. Constantly. 

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